2004-06-11 - 2:40 a.m.
Ok, so my second offical date with Matt L is over. He's left and gone home. Last night he had called me and we had arranged to have a nintendo video game night at my place. We played games for a while and then watched Kung-Pow because he's never seen it. Throughout the whole movie I kept thinking about grabing his hand but I was too chicken to do it.
Remember Chib, and Tsu how we said that when we meet the guys we really like sometime in our lives that we would be the ones to be more likely to ask them out? Well I took that first step. Welcome to the 21st Century, I asked the boy out. I'm beginning to realize that he's more like me than I thought. Sure theres the different tastes in things like music and such but the terms of dating and basic sense of humor is on the same level. He hasn't had much luck in the dating scene either and was going to ask me out....that is eventually if he ever could bring himself too (which he told me.) Its funny how both of us are so...reserved about public affection even though no one's around. For example, we may be dating now but all we did was hug about 3 times before he left. No kiss. None. Nada. Nope. But atleast I'm satisfied that he's having the same fears as me. He understands that this relationship might only last as long as this summer before he goes off to Gonzaga, hell, he said that to me, and I've been worried about it myself. We'll just have to deal with it as it comes, and I'm not going to worry about it anymore. Later tomorrow I think I want to talk with him in depth about past relationships. I want him to know that he's not the only awkward person here. I only wish I had met him sooner because I think this relationship despite what happens is going to give me the growth I need for relationships, someone whos at the same beginning, theres nothing to be embarrassed with him. I'm not ashamed of this boyfriend, even though we've been dating a total of what? 15 mins now...
It should be interesting, we'll see if he gets bolder as he gets more comfortable with me. Same could be said for myself of course. I know I'm being corny but when I think of him I think of the song, "Now and Then," from the part "looking in your eyes was like a mirror, every single fear and joy...thats when we, found each other..." Its funny, throughout this night we were both so nervous, if anyone had been listening in on our conversations, we would have sounded like two dislexic dorks, god it was so hard to say words correctly, we were stumbling over them like we didn't know the language.
Right now I'd have to say I'm feeling the most content I've ever felt before. I'm no longer giddy about him, well thinking of him still makes me smile, but I'm now more calm. When we were talking about music, he gave me an extra copy of "Dark side of the moon" by Pink floyd which he happened to have had with him. Then I told him about how I had bought the Ramones CD. I still can't believe that I met him. I don't know wether I truly believe that he's the one that I've been looking for, well actually I haven't been looking for anyone. But I can say, that I think I'm falling for him.
Love is such a strong word that I don't like to associate with relationships because you can love anyone. True love exists more in the form of family and friends to me, I don't like the thought of needing someone to compelete you. I guess its the fear of giving up control, your heart to someone who could rip it out and stomp it to smitherines. I can be compelete without any man, or shall I say, I believe I should beable to be compelete with out any significant other. My family and friends are what make me whole. Its scary, when I'm with him, he's as vaunrable was me. My father told me that until I reach where I want to be in life, I can't like anyone tie me down. And I know I have many goals and I want a career without being tied down to anyone but he also told me, "the one that least in love has the most power." Sure its cynical but its true. I haven't felt this way with any of my other boyfriends, of course, they were all losers that I was ashamed to tell anyone really about them.
Fuck I'm talking as if I've found a soul mate, a significant other, etc, whatever. I don't want to fall in love. But I don't know if I can help it......Damn life and its twists.
